Auld Lang Syne

As I sit in the remaining hours of “OT” Nine, I realize that there are some things about this year that I am particularly going to miss. First and foremost, the privilege of saying “OT” in place of saying zero or simply “0” as though I am in some sort of old-timey speak easy relaying tails of how we fought against the Kaiser back in “OT seven” (I know my math is likely chronologically inaccurate, but I hope you follow my drift…). This last decade has been very favorable to offer up such a simple and inane pleasure.

I am grateful for the fact that I have this blog. It may seem silly to some, but it has allowed me to connect with many different people that would not otherwise be privy to the inner monologue that is more commonly known as The Pathway of Awesomery. I was tickled the other day to learn that my grandparents are in fact devout followers of the Path, and that they eagerly anticipate new posts. This is new and resounding evidence that walking in the ways of Awesomery is not limited to age. Following suit, I am currently instructing my young daughters in the intrinsic nature of the Path. I hope that their young minds will serve as veritable sponges—soaking in all that is Awesome; allowing them to become little Jedi knights of Awesomery.

I know that I must be more diligent in the upcoming year to post more often, and I genuinely intend to do just that. I won’t bore my fellow followers of the Path with my list of resolutions for 2010, but I will encourage you to at least make a mental inventory of some items that you would like to develop over the next year. Personal progress is in fact—awesome, and should really only be gauged by the beholder.

Great is the Path, Happy New Year.

Holiday...(celebrate!)

The holiday season has enveloped me like a really big envelope.

I have been so busy with all that is so much not related to the holidays, that I have been neglecting the writings of the Path. So today, I will leave you with two brief items:

First, I wish all of you to enjoy your holiday times. And as a supplement to those times, I give you this...A movie on me.

At any Redbox terminal you can enter the promo code "DVDONME" and it will give you a free one night rental. I don't understand why or how, but sometimes the Pathway drops little nuggets of awesome in your lap.

Second, my young offspring is learning Christmas carols for a daycare Xmas program. I asked her to relay them to me in tune this evening, and I was happy to hear that she could not only carry the tune, but had taken the liberty of making the lyrics her own.

"We wish you Merry Christmas

We wish you Merry Christmas

We wish you Merry Christmas

and a happy New Year...

good tied up your things to you and your kids

We wish you Merry Christmas

and a happy New Year..."

I nearly peed from laughter.

Great is the Path

Solitude can help to amplify the voices...and inspire a halloween costume

I went to see a late movie this evening. And to my surprise, I was the only person in the entire theatre. Now this may seem inconsequential to most people, but I found it fascinating.

I began to work through all the various scenarios that would have led to this occurrence. I realize that I was viewing a film that had been released 3+ weeks previous, but I thought that there would be a few stragglers, such as myself, that had yet to have seen the film. Yet alas, I was the sole attendee.

Then I thought that 10:30 pm on a Sunday evening is not exactly the peak moviegoer time slot. While most are at home preparing for the pending work week, I choose to spit in the proverbial face of convention. The Pathway rewards those that buck convention.

Strangely, I found the fact that I was alone in the theatre made me ridiculously paranoid. I laughed aloud a few times throughout the course of the movie, and I found the sound of my own cackle rather obnoxious as it bounced back to me from the theatre’s audio-configured space.

I also began to create all kinds of far-fetched scenarios involving myse

lf and the fact that I was alone in the large auditorium…

Visions of apocalyptic zombie infestations began to fill my head. I started to come up with an exit strategy if a wayward zombie started his/her way up the aisle. But on the other side of the coin, I realized a movie theatre is an ideal place to barricade one’s self.

6-35 movies to view (depending on the multiplex in which you are trapped) you have a volume of entertainment to pass the time until the undead turn to necrophiliac fodder. An abundance of preservative ridden sustenance: popcorn, nachos, hot dogs, and those comically giant (yet delicious) pickles. Once you have barricaded all the doors, all you have to worry about is the cliché of a zombie bursting through the cinema screen. Not even a newly reanimated corpse would be so trite.

After all the thoughts of zombies subsided, my next complex was that of being watched. How strange is it that if I was in an auditorium full of movie-goers, when I would in fact have a multitude of eyes fixed on the back of my head, I would feel less paranoid when I know that I am the only pulse in the room.

Moral…there is none. Let your internal monologue trespass into the mundane. It is the only way I know to let the funny escape. Restraint is overrated. The Pathway is Great!

Your Ipod can be a divining rod for awesomery...

I decided to put my 6000 (I'm not bragging) plus song ipod on random as I was driving home from the office today to see what would transpire. Now I cannot speak for the fellow followers of the Path, but I am always amazed at the subtle intuitiveness of my inanimate electronic device. It seems to know what song I want to hear next. That is

of course unless I am running on a treadmill at the gym. Then it only seems to play Debbie Gibson tunes. Electric Youth really gets me amped up!!!!(That will be a topic for a later post)

I went through a seamless Joe Jackson to Simple Minds to Talking Heads to Elvis Costello to Neal Finn to XTC progression, when suddenly I was sideswiped by Ready for the World...

Hilarious in it's inane irony, as I was not in any way "ready" for this tune of my youth. But the first 20ish seconds of this tune had me nearly wetting myself.

Please listen

"..what is good for the geese, is good for the gander"...?

What does that even mean!!?? And why does he have a weird, almost fraudulent

accent when quoting the confusing adage?

So creepy I was compelled to listen to it again and again until I wanted to plunge knitting needles into my eardrums so that no other ridiculousness could enter ever again.I still have no idea as to why this song is on my Ipod, but I am sure that I purposely downloaded it in an effort to have the most awesomely random 80's pop hits on my Ipod.

It then caused me to find the crazy synth links to this song. I had to stop after an hour for fear that I would get sucked into a vortex of synth-soaked weirdness.

Cameo notice the Levar Burton Cameo (pun intended [not really a pun]), I would have thought it would have conflicted with his Reading Rainbow interests..?

Pebbles

Klymaxx

DeBarge

and others too numerous to mention.

So many other crazy one-name groups trapped me in their web of crazy synth, that I decided to pop in my VHS copy of Short Circuit to see if it still held up today..?

And yes, Fisher Stevens' portrayal of an (East) Indian man is still racist.

Mildly amusing, but racist.

The Pathway is Great!

Let the Awesomery In

Sometimes it is difficult to find inspiration when walking the Path. It is then that you must set aside your own frustrations and tribulations…and allow the Awesomery to flow through you. While searching for information for another parable I am currently working on, I found this brilliant beacon of Awesomery. Click this link:

Please bask in this interpretation of a classic tune of yesteryear.

And as always please enlighten others that are ready to walk in the Pathway.

Let the inquest begin...

After being inspired as the Awesomery coursed through my veins earlier this evening, it occurred to me that it would be beneficial for me to take questions from those seeking enlightenment in the ways of Awesomery. So I would encourage those of you walking the Path to direct any inquiries as to the ways of Awesomery directly to me. I will apply my best efforts and understandings as to the ways of the Path to your questions.

Please email or send your comments and I will respond.

Great is the Path.

Step #5 Learn from the past...so you can repeat it.

When I was youth, I, like most other kid’s in suburbia participated in various semi-organized, little league sports. I appreciated the fact that my parents footed the bill for such extra-curricular activities; particularly since I really did not have any athletic prowess. The first organized team I played was Soccer or “football” for our friends from across the pond. It must have been somewhat difficult for my parents to see their spindley young son feebly run the half length of the field, since I was in fact a halfback, only to rarely if ever touch the ball.

Playing soccer as a child made me learn some life lessons at a very young age. But one of the most influential [lessons] had nothing to do with the actual playing of the game…

It was a bright and sunny afternoon when my mom informed me that today was picture day for our soccer team. Now I was familiar with the concept of picture day after a few years of elementary school under my belt at this point, but not that of a team photo. I was quite excited for this event. Don’t ask me why, I was eight years old, I would have probably become equally as excited if you told me we were having tacos for dinner, or that they just dropped the price on the GI Joe hovercraft. Click this link to view the Awesomery

Hovercraft=Awesomery

I proceeded to dig through the dirty clothes hamper to find my soccer uniform, and after I quickly put on the mostly synthetic material, I headed out the door over to my friend Jody’s house. Jody was a fellow teammate and his mother was going to be our transportation to the photo shoot.

It was while en route to Jody’s house that the traumatic event that defined this fateful day occurred. And it will be burned into my memory forever:

You see, the house of my youth had a park strip that housed 2 large maple trees and a base composed of red bricks in a stagger pattern that replaced the more common stripe of grass that most houses had in our neighborhood. I only explain this as a means to set the stage for what transpired.

I ran out the front door of my house. Down the front stairs, across the overgrown grass like a laser-guided missile to Jody’s house, which was a mere 200 yards from my own.

As I crossed the threshold of the park strip, something terrible happened…still to this day I cannot fully explain which events actually lead to the impact. The impact of which I speak occurred when my left knee managed to clip the protruding part of the fire hydrant that dwelled in the eastern end of our park strip. Oh what sweet irony that a device that was supposed to serve as a bastion of human injury prevention was a stationary assassin to my fragile young kneecap.

Upon striking the fireplug, I proceeded to roll out into the cul-de-sac, picking up barnacles of gravel along the way. At this point in my young life, I had yet to ever break a bone – arm, leg or otherwise. As I rolled in the street in front of my house, I was sure that I had broken my knee. I cried the gigantic crocodile tears that could only be produced from such a harrowing injury. I looked around to see if there were any around that had seen my horrific pratfall – none had witnessed. My mom had heard my cries of agony and came rushing out to see her oldest son sprawled out in the street.

She consoled me, asking me what had occurred. I explained that the fire hydrant had come out of nowhere and had struck me on the knee causing me to stumble and roll out onto the road. She took me back into the house to take a look at my wounds. Now mind you in my nearly nine years of life I had never experienced such pain. I had many a BMX bike accident, a few rounds of stitches, but nothing that compared with the pain that was radiating from my left knee. I told my mother that I feared that I had broken my kneecap. I saw the genuine concern in her eyes, but then I noticed that it soon faded into a look of which I was not familiar.

It was then that I realized that my mom was trying to work out some sort of quandary in her head. I asked my mom what we were going to do. It was at this time that I realized what my mom was weighing in her mind… “You need to get over to Jody’s house so that you can get to the team pictures,” she coolly stated.

I was absolutely gob smacked.

“I will take you to the doctor once the pictures are through,” mom said. I was crushed. I was in agony. My mom cared more about getting the team photos for her son’s team that was essentially 1-8 for the season (if memory serves me) than the state of my left knee.

Mom helped me over to the neighbor’s house in a makeshift 3-legged race stance for the shuttle to the photo session. I held back the tears as I was transported to the local recreation center where many of our practices and games were held that season. When we arrived, I exited the vehicle and headed to the photo location.

Individual photos were taken first, followed by the team photo.

I did my best to mask the fact that I had been sobbing moments earlier, and that my knee was still throbbing intensely.

We returned home shortly thereafter. Mom made good on her commitment to take me to the doctor. And still in mass amounts of pain 2 hours after the initial injury, I received my first official set of trauma-induced x-rays. I sat there in my best 8-year-old acting strong position as the x-rays were captured and then developed. And as I sat there I strangely wished my knee to be broken in 17 places. I wanted my mother to remember this day for the rest of her life. I wanted her to rue the day she valued the pre-paid photographs of a soccer team that could not kick their way out of a wet paper sack over the well being of her first-born son’s left extremity.

Well, short story long…my knee was not broken, or any other bone in my body. And although I was still aching from the assault upon the hydrant, I learned a valuable lesson in “tough love” that day. Though my mom was concerned for my welfare, and still is to this day, that day I realized that sometimes it is necessary to smile for the camera despite what may be seething beneath the surface. Even though sometimes it may sting to go through the process, obligation is an integral part of life. Now married with children of my own, I know this all too well.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh yeah, I still suck at soccer.

Birthdays are awesome.

Today is my birthday.

Awesomery can be subjective

The internet is awesome. If you are reading this material, you clearly have discovered this for yourself.
I recall a conversation that I had with a friend the other day about the riff raff that seem to congregate around the corner of the new city library. I mentioned that I had seen them there on occasion, and that I assumed that they were a collection of homeless youth, with a smattering of schizophrenic transients. But I was educated to the fact that the majority of these individuals were actually members of a subset of people that refer to themselves as “Juggalos”. I know…WTF!?

So in an effort to better understand the world around me I googled "juggalo" and oh sweet Awesomery, what I found was astounding. Apparently there is a an entire subculture of individuals that are in to this practice. please click this ridiculous link....

Jugga, please.

My favorite part is the highlight of helicopter rides.

There is Awesome all around...

Today after sitting through a mediocre chick flick with my spouse, I found myself freaking out over the fact that I had actually been watching a large, brown recluse-looking spider make laps around the corner above our television.  This seems mundane to some, but I was perplexed by the matter that my wife, who has a crippling and seemingly unfounded fear of spiders had not noticed this occurrence for over 25 minutes!!???  

So after the film (a term used loosely) concluded, I pointed out the arachnid to my wife.  After a yelp and an admonishment for not preemptively terminating the spiders life, I squashed said spider.  I tend to leave the remains as a warning to others that might enter into my wife's line of sight.

I personally do not like killing spiders.  By no means am I a fan of them crawling about my head and neck, but I understand that they serve an important role in eliminating other more obnoxious insects from entering my abode i.e. house flies, earwigs, moths, etc.

A beautiful turn of events occurred later this evening.  After dispatching the third spider of the evening I instantly noticed a common house fly circling above my head.  This contemptuous bastard continued to pester and "bug" me for the next 2 hours.  

Unable to find a swatter.  I began flailing my arms around like mad in an attempt to end the new nuisance. After multiple unsuccessful attempts, and when at my wits end, I shot my hand in the direction of the fly and to my amazement...I had him in my fist.  I felt the fly buzz around the confines of my closed right hand for a moment.  Then I threw the captor against the surface of my desk, the impact killing him.

Although I felt triumphant at accomplishing such a karate kid like maneuver, I felt somewhat indignant that I have to fight the battle(s) of the deceased spiders.    Is the enemy of my enemy my friend..?  I will let you be the judge.

Vaya con Dios, fly.  You were a worthy adversary.  I am off to wash my hands...

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program...

Okay. So here it is... I have been inundated with creating a new environment to poop and wash for my family. It is nearly complete. Therefore, i will be able to dedicate more time to the Path. I apologize to those of you that have been waiting with baited breath, but I admonish you for waiting on me instead of going out to seek your own enlightenment.

The Pathway is great...and patience is a virtue.

Kiki rules!

Amen.

K+M+D+Z=awesomery incarnate

The Path requires that those walking therein be forward-in thought and resilient to the barbs and thorns that may lay along the way.  Today I was hit with a double whammy of sorts, that caused my mind to ponder what has allowed me to find the Path of Awesomery, and in turn to share it with others willing to partake.

I am truly a lucky man.  I cannot express how much I feel so today of all other days in recent history.  

For those of you walking the Path, I would encourage you to pause and really appreciate the fortunes in your satchel.

A quote by I.P. Freeley...

"Pee at last, Pee at last, thank God Almighty, we can pee at last!"

After a month of running down a flight of stairs to empty my very unawesomely small bladder, I am proud to announce that the members of my household can use the facilities on the main level.  However, hand washing must be done in the kitchen until another weekend allows the time to install the sink/faucet /drain properly.

Followers...I ask that you send your sentiments of the awesome in my direction so that I can make it through the storm that is this remodel debacle.

Kiki Rules

Forgiving is awesome

I was accosted by a follower of the Path the other night.  He informed me that it was very unawesome of me to not have posted a enlightening nugget of awesomery in some time.  I agreed.  But even the most awesome individual can become mired in the slings and arrows of life.

Playing with mud no longer has the same pleasant connotations of youth.

First ever attempts at mudding drywall have proven to be tedious at best.  I hope to be done with this mess soon

Feeble efforts.

My ability to see the awesome side of all things was definitely challenged today.

Electrical lubrication..?

Shocking, I know. Yeah I meant the pun...so what!!???

Today I determined that much like Popeye, it is easier for me to accomplish tasks that I find troubling with certain catalyst.  I have been attempting to reconfigure a slightly complex lighting scenario in my current bathroom remodel.  Cutthroats to the rescue...lighting done and my heart is still maintaining its normal rhythms.

Today I really had to sit back to contemplate all that I consider to awesome in nature...

• chimpanzee=awesome
  
• chimpanzee+train conductor outfit=super awesome
  
• chimpanzee+train conductor outfit+voice over=crazy awesome
  
• chimpanzee+train conductor outfit+voice over+Gary Busey=uncomfortable and creepy, and thereby not in line with the path.
  

Sometimes you can overload the circuits that feed into the powerhouse that is the awesomery philosophy.

AWESOMERY AND HOLIDAY TRADITION

In today's lovely afternoon weather, I decided that it was an excellent time for me to take down the Christmas lights that have adorned my rain gutters since last November.  But it was at this time that I had an epiphany of awesomery.  New Tradition: 

Easter Lights

I will not succumb to the will of prescribed holiday decoration.  Awesomery doctrine states that the best of trends and traditions are meant to be broken and/or revamped into something even more extraordinary.

Try it for yourself... Arbor Day bonfire anyone..?

I have returned from a long quest along the path.  I will now be able to actively enrich those that choose to follow the Path.  Stay tuned for updates in the next few days.

Ponder this:

Grape Nuts cereal contains no grapes and no nuts of any kind...a misnomer?  Or perhaps the most amazingly awesome marketing ruse in american history.

Today's hurdle in the path...

The FDA is NOT AWESOME!!

I have asthma. It is very non-awesome. But today to add insult to injury, I found that the FDA has mandated that the CFC (chlorofluorocarbons) used in most asthma inhalers are ruining the environment. Therefore, they have implemented that the inhalers that I and many others have relied on for years be substituted with an HFA (hydrofluoroalkane) inhaler instead.
Now to the layperson not familiar to the plight on asthmatics this may not sound like a very big deal...but it gets worse.

HFA inhalers do not grant the same sensation of respiratory relief as the older CFC inhalers. Click on the link to view a demonstration of the 2 types of inhalers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_OL6TVvam0 Although there is plenty of FDA data to support that there is no difference in the functionality of the inhalers, you need to merely type "HFA inhalers suck" in to a search engine, and you will find countless masses that share my contempt for the new medication.

I am all about supporting green causes: I recycle, I take my own bags to the grocery store, I let my [hippie] friends listen to the occasional Widespread Panic (resoundingly not awesome) song on the jukebox while out at the neighborhood bar. But this federally sanctioned change to a medication is quite simply ridiculous. It is like putting a band aid on a severed leg...not really going to fix the problem. When you are gasping for air due to a severe asthma attack, that quick relief from asphyxiation is much more pressing than the potential damage to the ozone layer. When given this choice, I vote that the ozone can kiss the middle part of my posterior.
And the final kick to the stones is that now that the CFC inhalers are no longer available, asthmatics have to purchase the HFA inhalers with a too-convenient 400% price increase (that is with my insurance coverage) from their predecessors. Makes sense to me: Lesser product, higher cost to the consumer!??!!

One of us! One of us!!!

Recent study has led me to add an addendum to Step #4...

I reside in a city in close proximity to the where the Sundance Film Festival is held every year. And every year it seems that it coincides with a barrage of celebrity citings (yeah I know it is the other type of sighting, but I refer to the "citing" of "Don't you know who I am?"). However, I avoid the festival at all costs, the last movie I saw during Sundance was Orgazmo. Followers of the path will know that this film was at Sundance ages ago (circa 1997ish) and although I saw it at a small theatre in Salt Lake, the theatre was chalk full of your L.A. industry douchbaggery. It never ceases to amaze me how the week-long film biz transplants to Utah clad themselves in the Sundance uniform (see examples)

• Black sweater
• Black pants, (or close to black jeans)
• Black, puffy life-preserver coat
• scarf that hangs way too low, also black or near-to-black
• silly spaceman footwear
• faux (or real if are not a friend of PETA) fur trim to either hat, boots, or coat
• 24 hour-insect-looking sunglasses (regardless of your level of fame)
• aire of self importance (generally worn under stupid sunglasses)

I am thinking about starting my own film festival at my house every May. Everyone will have to be clad in cargo shorts and green moon boots, (try to find them, it is hard to do) and we will only watch films that John Candy passed on because of his high dedication to the craft.

Step #4 Awesomery is effortless

Do not allow that which is counter to the awesomery principles to influence your daily activities and decisions.

Simply stated :

DO NOT spend all of your efforts trying to impress people that you can't stand. This alone can be the biggest hurdle to maintaining an effective awesomery quotient.

So many times in life we adhere to the junior high school philosophy that we can withstand a few crotch shots to our ego, if there is a perceived "cool kids table in the lunch room" at which to reside. This is a fruitless existence. Awesomery should be effortless...and least of all without injury.

In my experience and research, the perception of awesome is in the eye of the beholder. 'Captain Cool Guy' might seem as though he has all his ducks in a row, but in all actuality, he is a mess. Attempt to peel back the outside layers of individuals in order to reveal if they have a delicious creamy center rather than a void of awesomery.